From: jackelope-spam@squick.com (Jack E. Lope)
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless
Subject: Fire it up!
Followup-To: alt.test,misc.test
Date: Sat, 12 Apr 1997 02:28:37 -0800
Organization: Jesus Keeps Me Hard
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Reply-To: jackelopeatsquickdotcom
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Keywords: Dry fuck your grandmother
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"More Wesson."
"Any more and it's gonna fucking shoot back out at us and spray
us with shit!"
"More Wesson."
"Stupid fucking idiot. You're not the one ramming this up the
cow's ass."
"You talking back to me, asshole?"
"No."
"Good. Keep it that way."
---
Of course, when it finally did blow, he was standing out of the
way, and I was covered in cow shit.
You ever have four-time digested grass sprayed on you? Ever have
it smell like Wesson? Ever had to scrub it out of your pores? No?
Well I have. It's a fucking pain in the ass is what it is.
It's not like regular dirt, where if you leave a bit it's no big
deal. No, this is shit. Grass that has been through four stomaches
and almost a mile of gut. There's enough bacteria in it to colonize
the Earth after a nuclear war. It's not something you want to leave
in your pores.
---
"Farther."
"What the fuck do you mean farther? Any farther, and it's gonna
come out its fucking nose!"
"Do you want to be the cow, or the handler?"
"All I'm trying to say is that there isn't much farther for it
to go."
"If it comes out its nose, we'll feed it back into its asshole.
More Wesson."
---
Of course, as I was leaning into the cow to shove it in farther,
the bitch kicked. Luckily she just clipped me on the shin, instead
nailing me in the crotch. I leaned over and pinched a nipple on the
udder, hard.
This dislodged a bellow I never knew a cow could make. It also
caused it to piss all over itself, and my shoes.
---
"You do that again, and I'll twist your nipples off with a
pair of pliers, and glue them onto your forehead. Most people
will think you have a bad case of acne."
"The cunt kicked me!"
"Don't piss her off then."
---
Marlin Perkins I ain't. The only pet I had was a goldfish. It
was dying, so I threw it in the toliet. It wouldn't die, so I played
'Sink the Battleship' with it.
It still wouldn't die. So I flushed it. I always wondered how long
it managed to survive swimming amonst other people's shit, piss, tampons,
vomit and other assorted crap that people flush down their shitters.
As a kid, I liked to think it found another goldfish, a friend,
and that they swam out to some stream and make a life for themselves;
or at least a much of a life as a goldfish can have.
Now that I'm older, I know that the uric acid probably destroyed
its gills somewhat like how ammonia gas would destroy our lungs. It
probably suffocated in my piss.
---
"One more foot, and we're good to go. More Wesson."
"Christ, you really think this is going to work?"
"It fucking better. I paid a lot for this cow."
---
I've always ended up with jobs like this. The jungle shoot in
Guatemala, the desert shoot in Tunisia, the reef shoot in Australia.
Every one of them, fucked up beyond belief by the time I was through.
---
"Duct tape the fitting to its asshole; I don't want it shitting
the hose out before we're ready."
"It's kind of tough with all this Wesson we've added."
"Then staple it shut if you have to."
---
But this gig takes the cake. Shoving seventy-five feet of
soaker hose up some cow we've sedated with Demerol. Yessiree,
this takes the fucking proverbial cake.
---
"OK, is it still stable?"
"It doesn't look like it's going anywhere any time soon..."
"Good. Hook up the hose while I start the burners."
---
I've done animal films before. I've watched all sorts of
critters eat other critters, and never flinched. I thought that
this would be the same. I was way fucking wrong.
---
"How's the pressure looking?"
"We're still at 120 psi."
"I'm gonna head back to the burner controls, you take care of the
tank and the valve."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like we agreed."
"Any more shit from you, and we can find another cameraman."
---
It seemed like easy money. This guy wanted to do an animal snuff
film. "Wierd Ways Animals Die" is what he wanted to call it. I
needed the cash, and it was only for one scene.
The thought never occurred to me that he was looking for unnatural
ways for cows to die. I thought he wanted some shots from a
slaughterhouse, not this bizzare thing we were about to do. The
animal rights people will shit their pants when they see this.
I wanted to bow out, but it just didn't seem like an option when
my employer seemed high on coke and overly friendly with his .45 pistol.
---
"How are the fittings? Do we have any leaks?"
"Nope, it all looks good."
"Cameras rolling, everything in focus?"
"I've checked things four times, we're good to go."
"I'm gonna turn up the burn rate, when I give the signal, let
'er rip on the valve there."
"Check."
---
I must admit, I was morbidy fascinated with the whole thing. It
was so surreal, like I happened to step into some weird movie
with a mad scientist or something. Whatever. The guy's advance
check cleared. That's all that mattered.
---
"Flame up! Throw the valve!"
---
I was a good fourty feet from the cow. He was about 70. The way the
burners were set up, the cow looked like it was standing in a ring of
fire. Well, it was actually. It was the weirdest thing I'd ever seen.
As the propane began to inject into it, I wondered how it felt.
Did it know that twenty five gallons of propane was seeping
through the soaker hose, into its intestines and body cavity? Did
it have any inkling what would happen when the first gas leak hit
the ring of fire?
I could see it pissing again.
---
"Open the valve all the way!"
---
I watched in horrified fascination as the pressure guague dropped.
I swear I saw the cow expanding. Later, reviewing the tapes, it really
had.
The first warning was a kind of bawl, and it seemed to vomit, except
that it was part of its own throat that came out of its mouth. The
ring of fire found a stream of propane, and a jet of fire erupted from
its left nostril. The demerol looked like it was wearing off, or it
wasn't enough to cut the pain, as the cow took a few steps back; right
into one of the burners.
---
"Fucking awesome! Hamburger flambe!"
---
It's hard to describe what happened next, except to say that the
cow's asshole looked like the afterburner on a figher jet. That's
about the time I got sprayed by burnt cow shit.
It then seemed to implode while its hide expanded, and then it just
blew up. Like some sort of Monty Python routine I guess. A singed
mass of flesh turned out to be the udder, and the rest, well, it looked
like the fucking thing had popped.
And it smelled like McDonald's on a bad day.
---
"Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Fucking perfect! Did you see its asshole?!?!
WoooooHooooo!"
---
I order chicken burgers now when I'm out with clients.
Stiff Choads For Jesus
Jack E. Lope - jackelope at squick dot com